The Dance of Expectations: Navigating the Unspoken in Relationships
- Herman Veitch
- Dec 31, 2025
- 2 min read
Expectations are an inherent part of human interaction, especially within our relationships. They shape our perceptions, influence our interactions, and can significantly impact our satisfaction with the connection. Learning to manage expectations effectively is crucial for building and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Understanding the Role of Expectations in Relationships:
Unspoken assumptions: Often, we enter relationships with a set of unspoken expectations – assumptions about how the other person should behave, what their role should be, and how the relationship should unfold. These unspoken assumptions can be a breeding ground for disappointment and conflict.
The influence on perceptions: Our expectations act as filters, influencing how we perceive and interpret the actions of others. If our expectations are unrealistic or misaligned, we may misinterpret even well-intentioned behaviour.
The impact on satisfaction: When our expectations are met, we experience feelings of satisfaction and fulfilment. Conversely, when our expectations are consistently unmet, it can lead to resentment, frustration, and relationship strain.
Communicating Expectations Clearly and Respectfully:
Identify your expectations: Take time to reflect on your own expectations in your relationships. What do you need from others? What do you expect in terms of communication, support, and behaviour?
Communicate openly and honestly: Share your expectations with the other person in a clear, respectful, and non-accusatory way. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings. For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me," say "I feel unheard when I'm not given a chance to finish my thoughts."
Listen to the other person's expectations: Communication is a two-way street. Be willing to listen to the other person's expectations and understand their perspective.
Be specific: Avoid vague or general statements. Be specific about what you need and expect. For example, instead of saying "I need more support," say "I would appreciate it if you could help me with the dishes after dinner."
Developing Flexibility and Adaptability When Expectations Are Not Met:
Let go of rigid expectations: Recognise that people are imperfect and that circumstances change. Be willing to let go of rigid expectations and embrace flexibility.
Practice acceptance: Learn to accept that some things are beyond your control. Focus on what you can control – your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Find a middle ground: Be willing to compromise and find solutions that meet both of your needs. Relationships are about give and take.
Focus on appreciation: Instead of dwelling on unmet expectations, focus on appreciating the positive qualities and actions of the other person.
Reframe disappointments: View unmet expectations as opportunities for learning and growth. What can you learn about yourself and your needs? How can you adjust your expectations moving forward?
Managing expectations is an ongoing process that requires open communication, self-awareness, and a willingness to adapt. By communicating our needs clearly and respectfully, and by developing flexibility and adaptability, we can create stronger, more fulfilling relationships that are built on mutual understanding and respect.
Want to delve deeper into the art of managing expectations and building healthier relationships? Check out my book, "Getting Up Again, and Other Stories We Tell Ourselves About Being Strong," and explore my transformative course for valuable insights and practical exercises.
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